Preparing For Death, The Smart Way
This isn’t the topic I had originally considered for my second installment of
Women’s Health. And, the truth is, this can be applied to men, as well. When we think
about death and dying, well, the truth is, we try not to think about it. Ever. We all know
that we can all count on death and taxes, but talk about death? Um, yeah, we would
rather not. Why is this? It is sad, for one thing. You start talking about death, and the
next thing, we are discussing who died, how they died, and it is just not a fun
conversation.
So, why do I want to discuss death in this blog? Because of our kids. Yup, our
kids. No, it’s not that they are dying before us, we expect to die before they do. Not right
away of course, but our time will come, some day. So, why not be prepared? That’s
what this topic is. Preparing for death.
Have you ever had to deal with a loved one’s death? I’m talking about the
immediate aftermath. Calling the funeral home. Are they going to be cremated or be
buried in the ground in a casket? Calling a lawyer. Scheduling the funeral itself. Is there
going to be food? Are you going to have food at the funeral home? Are you supplying a
luncheon? Do you have a cemetery? How are you going to pay for all of this. Your loved
one just died. It could be your spouse, or a parent, or worse yet, your child. Are you
ready for this? Is anyone ever ready for this? When strangers from these various places
start asking questions, are you ready with the answers? Do you know what the
deceased person would have wanted? What about you? Do you know what you want
when you die?
My mom died in 2011. We knew it was coming. She had suffered with COPD for
years, and her lungs were giving out. She was in the hospital because she was having
trouble breathing, again. It was the 4 th of July. The day before, the doctor had her
ventilation tube removed to see if she could breathe on her own and be able to go home
like the other times. Things looked good! Bill and I spent most of the last week with her
in the hospital. We were there when they removed the ventilation tube. We went to see
her first thing in the morning before going to the parade and party. It was usually a fun
day of celebrating, eating and drinking. Shortly after we got there, my sister and brother
showed up to see my mom, so we told her we would be back after the festivities. A few
hours later, we returned to the hospital. There was a lot of doctors, nurses and admin
personnel in the room with my mom. She was sitting up in bed. We walked in the room,
and we found out that my mom’s breathing wasn’t doing as well as we had hoped. The
doctor wanted to put the breathing tube back in. My mom said no. They looked at me as
her power of attorney for healthcare advisor. I started asking questions, could she go
home with a breathing tube. No. Will it ever be removed again? No. She must go to a
nursing home intubated until she died. I looked at my mom and asked her what she
wanted to do. She said, go home. I asked the doctor if she went home, how long did
she have? He said somewhere between two days and two weeks. I looked at my mom
and said, if you go home now, you will die. What do you want to do? She said, go home.
We spent that night planning her funeral, what kind of casket she wanted, and anything
I could think of. I had known that I would be giving the eulogy since my parents were not
religious. I had written that a couple of years before, so it only needed to be touched up
when the time came. My dad was a good guy, but he was useless in a crisis. This was
on me.
While my dad was with me while we made the arrangements, he was more in
shock than I was. They had spent the last 59 years together. He just agreed with
everything that I suggested after listening to the funeral director. This was not a fun time
for either of us. It could have been so much easier if they had taken care of everything
while they were alive.
My sister-in-law died two years ago, unexpectedly. She had never told anyone of
her final wishes regarding her funeral, burial, or anything at all. We had no idea what
she wanted. This was confusing and saddening. We wanted to do what she wanted, but
nobody knew what that was. Her son was left to guess what she wanted. She had an
adequate funeral, but I knew that if she had anything to say about it, it would have been
different than what it was.
I do not want my children to go through that. Bill and I have made our final
arrangements. Because we are veterans, we can be placed in a National VA Cemetery.
We took our documentation and signed us up at a cemetery. Because we will be
cremated, we can share a vault. They will just have two plaques instead of one on the
outside cover. One for him and one for me.
Because we travel a lot, we signed up with a company that will fly us back to the
states from anywhere in the world. If we are hurt or killed on a cruise or for any reason,
we get flown to a hospital stateside. There is no regular health insurance that covers
these kinds of trips, and they are expensive. Signing up with this company saves
thousands of dollars on potential costs. We signed up with another company that does
cremation. No matter where we are in the states, they will find a cremation place and
take our remains there. Why do all of this now? So we don’t have to do it later. I just
can’t imagine either of my sons trying to figure out how to fly our remains home, if we
were to die overseas.
Which is why I am writing this. I know this ended up being kind of long, but I
thought it was important. There are many places that would be happy to help you with
your final wishes, and get it all straightened out before you die. You wouldn’t want your
children having to do this, so do it now, while you are here, save someone the
heartache of having to deal with your death. Let them start the grieving and healing
process, and make your death as simple as possible for them. I am not trying to be
morbid, I am just trying to help you be proactive about your own final disposition. At the
very least, write down what you want.
Here are some helpful links to help you prepare:
